Let me begin with an apology: this will be a profanity-laced, spoiler-filled review of mother! If that’s not your cup of tea then hit the back button, close your browser window, or light your goddam house on fire—oh, that’s how the movie ends, by the way; Jennifer Lawrence lights the house on fire and then God—played by Javier Bardem—removes her crystalized heart from her charred-to-a-crisp body, places it in a display case, and that resets the movie back to the beginning. See? There’s gonna be fucking spoilers EVERYWHERE!

You’re probably sitting there saying, “Woah, dude. What’s wrong? Why are you so upset?”

Good fucking question!

In recent years, a plethora of directors have made movies that explore their take on creation, religion, and who-gives-a-shit philosophy. You had Ridley Scott’s Prometheus, Martin Scorsese’s Silence, and now we have Aronofsky’s mother!

I can somewhat excuse the missteps of these other directors, but, with Aronofsky, I’m deeply insulted.

Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem in a production photo from Mother.

Mother! uses biblical allegories to tell the story of Mother Earth (Jennifer Lawrence) and her abuses at the hands of mankind. You’ve got your allegories on Jesus, the great flood, the apocalypse, et al., mixed with a Rosemary’s Baby-esque haunted house plot.

I suppose it’s well-intentioned, but Aronofsky (accidentally?) made an anti-feminist story about a woman’s inability to defend herself, affect meaningful change, or escape from the cycle of abuse. GREAT FUCKING JOB, ARONOFSKY! YOU TWAT.

“Did you get it? That was like the Bible and shit.”

–Some Audience Member Somewhere

Word to the wise: if you’re trying to champion and empower women, don’t use the Bible as your plot structure and inspiration. Using dressed-up biblical allegories doesn’t make your movie intelligent and the audience “getting it” doesn’t make the movie good.

Oh, and the only other female character in the movie with a major speaking role? Yeah, that’s Michelle Pfeiffer playing Eve; she’s a drunk, pill-popping hussy who tries to coach Lawrence on how to best please her man so they can have a baby. YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!

Michelle Pfeifer and Ed Harris in a production photo from Mother.

If you’ve seen mother! and want something weird to think about: what did Javier Bardem’s character want?

Yeah, I know. Did your brain just explode? Sit on that shit for a little bit.

The only positive to mother! is that it’s ripe with internet-worthy, crazy-as-shit memes featuring Kristen Wiig slaughtering refugees with handguns, a baby peeing on a crowd of people and then being eaten, and a baked-in-the-oven-too-long Jennifer Lawrence carried in the loving embrace of Javier Bardem.

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