PHANTASTIQA

Dear Darcy,

I’m sure you already know all this—so please forgive the mini history lesson kickin’ off this letter—but I have to set the scene for those poor, misguided souls out there who don’t know a Svengoolie from a Ghoulardi.

Since the mid-1950s, there’s been a slew of famous horror hosts and personalities. There’s Vampira, Zacherley, and Coffin Joe; Elvira and Joel Robinson from Mystery Science Theater 3000; Al “Grandpa” Lewis, Uncle Ted, and some zaddy who masquerades around the country callin’ himself Joe Bob Briggs.

Sadly, most folks don’t know the majority of those names any longer. Their short-lived popularity has finally faded away.

But for all us Drive-In Mutants out here, we think these names should be taught in grade schools, etched on national monuments, and tattooed on the thighs and biceps of lovable weirdos across the world. These horror hosts are responsible for curating and, in some cases, preserving important aspects of our cultural history.

And, sure, some people may not understand why a film like Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II deserves to be celebrated—great pick by the way—but there’s no saving them. They’re the kind of folks you meet at a bar and say something along the lines of, “Oh, I don’t do horror movies.”

Is any sequence of words more offensive in the English language? I certainly don’t think so. To me, that sentence represents someone that doesn’t want to challenge themselves. They don’t want to grow or conquer their fears. They might as well say, “Oh, I’m perfectly fine living in this box I’ve made for myself.”

Now, Darcy, I’ve got a word for those kinds of people: Muggles. They’re the uninformed, the uninitiated, and the undeserving; they won’t ever understand the magic we see in these films.

All this goes to say, I know that Joe Bob gets a lot of the praise, and you’ve suffered a few foolish detractors online over the past year, but you’re the first Mail Girl that’s really challenged JB. You’ve upheld your own opinions; you’ve championed movies like Halloween III and Phantom of the Paradise; and you’ve done some pretty sick cosplay along the way.

You’re crushin’ it, Darcy.

I know JB does most of the talkin’ onscreen, but I want to tell you—and everyone else, for that matter—why I think you’re a horror host in your own right. You’re not just a Mail Girl. You’re not just playin’ second fiddle to JB. You’re an inspiration. And your name deserves to be right up there with all the greats.

Number One: Your Geek Tawk podcast is pretty awesome. Not only are your post-convention conversations with JB enlightening, but you cover sensitive personal topics like BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). That takes A LOT of courage, and to hear your back-and-forth with JB on the topic lets us see your friendship and working relationship in a brand-new light.

Like you, I’ve struggled with public speaking in the past too, but hearing your interviews with Jericho and former Mail Girl Honey Gregory you’d never know, and I think that’s a testament to how your passion has transcended your discomfort.

I want more of the Mutant Fam to know about Geek Tawk!

Number Two: You’re modernizing The Last Drive-In by incorporating cosplay. Horror fandom, and the expression of that fandom, has shifted a lot over the last few decades. Conventions are becoming more popular, while horror is becoming a more-and-more acceptable genre. But not too many folks are cosplaying these characters, especially on such a national platform like Shudder. You’re helping to elevate horror fandom to the level of its science fiction and comic book counterparts, and that’s really cool.

Number Three: You disagree with Joe Bob. In your interview with Rue Morgue, you talked about how you approached the character of the Mail Girl differently than it had been approached in the past. You took the feminist approach. You have your opinions, JB has his, and you can have a respectful discourse. In a genre in which women are often maligned, it’s cool to see this more progressive take on the character and to see the format of the show adjust to support it.

Number Four: The Red Christmas. All I can say is thank you for sharing your story with everyone! The word “brave” is thrown around a lot these days, but I think it definitely applies here.

Number Five: You’re the voice of the Mutant Fam on Social Media. Thankfully, we’ve had a lot of The Last Drive-In related programming over the past year, but when it’s not there, what do we have? Who do we turn to? Well, one of the people I turn to is YOU. Your presence on Twitter as @kinky_horror is a constant source of comfort and interesting content.

While I may not share your admiration for the Patriots, I love how you support the horror community, and who doesn’t like to see the occasional set of tits every now and then?

Looking forward to seeing The Last Drive-In for many years to come! When JB is ready to retire, you’re the right person to fill his shoes.

With love and kisses,

Eve Jackson