PHANTASTIQA

Dear Sir Patrick,

You know how some fellas will talk about an older woman they still find sexy? As if they’re shocked when someone over the age of 45 is still good lookin’? Like Helen Mirren, for instance. Dudes are always going on and on about how good Helen Mirren looks for her age.

I hate that phrase, by the way. “For her age.” If you find someone attractive, admit it without any qualifiers.

Like this, for example: Helen Mirren looks good. Period.

And if you don’t know, Sir Patrick, they call that “locker room talk” in the States. Or “boys being boys.” Or some other such nonsense label.

Because here’s the thing that most people don’t want to admit: girls have “powder room talk.” As remarkable as it may sound, ladies have been known to objectify a few men from time-to-time too. And frankly, I think it’s part of being human and we should all get our collective panties out of a knot. I think the phrase is, “Let bygones be bygones.”

So, on that note, it’s time to let the cat out of the bag on something else: at 79 years old, you’re still earth-shatteringly sexy. That’s right, Sir Patrick, you’re the ladies’ equivalent to Helen Mirren and, just like Locutus of Borg, you can assimilate me anytime. Resistance IS futile, on my part. And you can beat my hoo-ha up like the Battle of Wolf 359 any day of the week.

I’m not exactly sure what that last one means, to be honest, but I’m sure you’ve been around the block a few times and can figure something special out.

Now, I’m sure you’re probably sittin’ there, wearing a bemused smile, saying something along the lines of, “Isn’t that remarkable?” or “Gross,” or “Make it . . . go away” while trying to dismiss the compliment. But I’m sorry, Sir Patrick, it was hard for a broad like me to build up the cojones to admit that in writing, so you don’t get to play coy with the truth.

And, in a roundabout way, that’s why I’m here to explain why you’re still the sexiest Captain in the galaxy, if not the universe. And it’s not just your breathtaking good looks either (though they sure don’t hurt).

Number One: You’re charming as f#@K. From your Twitter account to your appearance on Ricky Gervais’ Extras to that time on Graham Norton when you admitted that you didn’t know you weren’t circumcised, you show the world that a serious actor doesn’t need to take himself too seriously IRL. That’s refreshing to see from such an accomplished and venerated person. Honestly, it’s an inspiration.

Number Two: You care about dogs. When you started fostering a pit bull, in an effort to help it find a permanent home, I melted. Pit bulls have a bad rap from decade’s worth of public misconceptions and skewed media coverage, but you’re pushing the needle in the other direction and showing the world that it’s not a breed of dogs that should be feared.

Number Three: You support organizations like Amnesty International, Refuge, and Combat Stress. A lot of those folks in Hollywood use their fame to be politically divisive during the awards season, but you use yours to champion important causes. Your impassioned response to a question at Comicpalooza in 2013 and the comfort you offered a stranger who speaks about their own abuse is beautiful.

Number Four: You appeared in the Playing Shakespeare videos. In a former life, I may have tried my hand at acting for a few years and seeing you at work behind the scenes in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s Playing Shakespeare videos was phenomenal. Under the direction of John Barton, your sense of play and willingness to try things with a different approach shows the world why you’re so damn good at acting. You’re versatile. And I cannot get your delivery of, “Inch-thick, knee-deep, o’er head and ears a fork’d one!” from The Winter’s Tale out of my head.

Number Five: Your film and television career are legendary. With iconic roles like Captain Jean-Luc Picard and Professor Charles Xavier under your belt, no one would bat an eye if you were to rest on your laurels for the remainder of your career, but you’re still willing to take risks and try new things. Seriously, one of your recent performances as the stone-cold Darcy Banker in Green Room (2014) is one of the best movie villains ever.

Number Six: Your bromance with Ian McKellen continuously breaks the internet. QUIT BEING SO CUTE ALL THE TIME. WE GET IT. YOU’RE BOTH AMAZING PEOPLE AND ARTISTS AND YOU’RE NOT AFRAID TO KISS A GAY MAN IN PUBLIC AND IT’S AWESOME. HOW ARE YOU SO COOL?!?!?

And there you have it, that’s just a few of the reasons why you’re still the sexiest Captain in the universe. I’m sure you already know how beloved and adored you are, but you don’t strike me as the type of person who would ever let that go to their head. I speak for all your fans when I say this, I think we’d be okay if it did every once in a while. In fact, we encourage it.

With love and kisses,

Eve Jackson

P.S. I hope beyond hope that the new Star Trek: Picard series is good. Fingers crossed, Sir Patrick.